My Blog...

happinness~?

im getting tired and numb of my life.. i lost my hope, faith, and everything that keep me going..just feel like im a walking corpse... the thought of leaving and starting a new life in a brand new place is repeating everyday in my mind.. i hope..i wish.. i couldnt be like any other teenagers.. concentrating on studies and nothing else.. im just 19... why should i worry for the things that i should be worry about in 20 years time.. the burden is just too heavy for me.. ive been taking it for aso any years.. how long should i take this? getting ppl to understand me is harder than i thought. Especially my family members, why? is it because i've never complain about the problems? or is it because problems have become part of my life ..perhaps.. its no more just problems.. its my life.. like it or not.. its still my life.. take it or end ur life.. taking every step towards my life are just something that im reluctant to do everyday.. but.. there is still something that that give me the push to go on.. to face it.. and to endure it.. something that i myself couldnt explain.. everytime i try to give up.. there is just something..~maybe that's wat good in me.. i try my very best to live up to the expectation.. being the best.. but all i wanted is to just breath again.. just give me a moment of real happiness.. thats enough for me to go on for a very long time..at last ..i have accept my life.. although im suffering from my life.. i will never give up~ because giving up will just let another person in my life feel more miserable than i am.. and to not giving up.. i will find myself and only to not give up.. to know what have i been finding and suffering all this while.. but one thing for sure.. the stronger a person look.. its more fragile that person are.. maybe for now.. there will be no happiness in my life.. in the future.. who knows?

Lost of faith~

faith..something that i always have in mind.. having it makes me stronger.. helps me to find my way in life.. family.. what does this word mean to me? a word that takes away my faith.. a word that will make me remember for the rest of my life.. the family that i am trying to safe is breaking into pieces.. putting it back to its original place just seems impossible.. i vowed never to shed a tears for the rest my life because of my this anymore.. emotions, feelings , wat are they? something that will hurt someone  in within, a wound that could never recover.. a wound that will hurt for the rest of my life.. maybe me becoming emotionless will be better.. wont hurt anyone around me.. rather take all the sadness in this world than to let anyone else being sad..becoing stronger each day will only make someone becoming weaker in the inside, more fragile in the inside. need to be the strongest, toughest making me more tired and exhuasted everyday.. perhaps making myself busy wont be a bad idea after all..

NumBnEss~

too many things had happen.. i dont even know wat to write or wat to tell..things just cant go smoothly as i wish..nothing.. in fact nth goes as i wish for.. i suddenly feel so tired to take up everything an put it on my shoulder.. when can i put these down? wat are true friends.. ? when i step into form 6.. i really think that t hey are my true friends.. i thought i finally found someone who can be my wings .. yuan lai... its not...i dont know wat i have done wrong.. maybe im too busy body ba.. make ppl hate me.. maybe i should be more pasive.. i think i really should my upper 6 with a more passive jolene  liao ba.. i dont want to care wats goin on wif other ppl.. maybe i would feel even more better and relief like that.. do not need to bear responsibility for others ..like a fool and only gets blame in the end..i guess i should learn to protect myself.. i do not want to get hurt again.. i do not want ppl to misunderstand me again.. im sick of it!! really!! but at least.. i still have ppl who cherish me alot.. trust me.. and believed in me.. im glad..this year holiday.. really boring.. but i know i got to use it to catch up wif my studies.. i will try to.. christmas coming.. really hope that i could have the most memorable christmas i ever had.. really like the lights and christmas tree.. u know why,... its just seems that it brings hope to ppl.. warmth ppl.. and cherish every second of life.. the holy and warmth feeling is something that i couldnt find in any other things..

OuR story.. My MeMories~

yeah!!! finally.. the dinner is over.. at least i can get so time to take my breath.. well.. although it seems like there lots of mistake on the dinner noght.. but at least we have already try our best on wat we can do..i guess that is the most important part of all.. really want to say a big thank u for those who give us fully support.. especially put board members.. doing this together at my houe almost every night.. really a memoreble moment.. song an even finish everything that can be eaten in my house!! at least i wont get to throw food away when he is around.. although we really tired doing things till midnight.. but after the dinner.. i just feel a sense of contented.. especially when the back drop lights are lit up.. hehe.. so pretty de ler..its actually better than i imagine and expected.. really glad that we can finish it on time and have a great effect.. as for my seniors.. wish u guys all the best lo.. hope everyone who go to that dinner had a wonderful time!!!

my guardiAns~

my guardians,... those who always want me to be happy all the time.. im really lucky and happy to have guardians like that.. but unfortunately.. i have been letting them down., sometimes i just feel that everthing i've done is wrong.. felt useless.. my feelings? sometimes just need some time and cool down and think of the next step i have to take.. fate has brought  me here.. and so .. i have to face it.. its really trying.. but i will try my best.. wat else can i do.. but at least im much more closer to my friends now.. so.. friends forever.. as for my last blog.. i didnt meant to hurt anyone.. just want to tell ppl who know me how i felt.. mm.. life in for 6 really quite tuff.. friendship, love, studies, family.. got to cope it well.. exam coming~ will do my best in everthing.. really will.. finally.. selamat hari raya to eveyone out there!!

norMal!~~ FinalLY!

hehe.. these few weeks ..quite normal.. at least i dont need to worry about stupid things and solving problem which irritates me.. mm.. anyway,, there's still lots of assignment to do though.. but nvm la.. HOLIDAY liao!!! Yeappy!!! so happy.. unfortunately.. i stay at home only.. boring.. nvm la.. atleast no need to go to sch.. wat can i say~ this week.. just get along with my life and try to bring back the jolene that i used to be 1 year ago.. although my confidents seems to have faded a little bit.. but at least i return to the bubbly girl i was b4.. as for my friends.. i dont care they look down on my or not.. cause i dont live for them.. i live for myself.. love matters? er.. lets put that away and enjoy life.. mpppu election is just around the corner.. dont know weather i should try it out or not.. really dont have the confident actually.. i will consider during this holiday.. lets see how ba`~~

HopeleSs FeEling~

    Tired, im really tired.. im really tired of solving problems.. do anyone know that rumours will hurt someone badly and deeply.. ? please~ dont spread rumours.. if anyone out there is not happy with me~ just tell me.. i rather accept ur critism face on face then just talking behind of me like coward..i have already try myself to do what i can to fulfill everyone's  opinion on me..but  what should i do? to all my friends, i also hope to know who i am, if there is any opinion, just post a comment..
ok?

my LiFe~

my life. my feelings.. my friends..nowadays.. just dont know what should i do with my life.. everybody seems to be changing..dissapointment seems to be greater and greater in me everyday.. seems like dont really know what is happiness in me anymore.. some ppl change to be perfect.. and some change to get used to the environment.. im really lost.. can anyone pull me back to the right track? rumuors can really hurt ppl badly.. just like a stab in the heart .. and the wound need to heal in a long time.. sometimes.. ppl just dont really alert of others feelings..im tired.. exhausted.. frustrated...but.. who knows.. friends of 11 years can be an enemy for just a split second .. wat can be worst than that? at least wat i know is the only person u can trust ..is ourself..i guess im pretty stupid of thinking mostly of my friends ba.. but i do think that friends are ont of the most important  thing in life.. i really think so.. unfortunately.. those who will be by my side when i need them is much more little than i thought.. just feel like giving up my life sometimes..but..i will hang on as long as i could... have to be stronger.. to defeat those who are  creating  misery  for me.. thats the only thing i can do.. i guess

my BirThday ~

my BiRthday? hOrriBle.. just an unlucky one.. i dont know why.. bUt i just feel that im not happy.. despite of many ppl celebrating wif me.. i think they are more happy than i am.. i just couldnt feel the happiness..just couldnt.. ask me why? i dont know.. or maybe i know.. but i couldnt tell anyone..its the worst birthday i had ever had.. i guess birthday wasnt a lucky day for me also ba..i cried before birthday and cry on my birthday.. why cant i just have a happy time through my 18th birthday.. what the hell im thinking about.. shit! sometimes just feel like killing myself.. but after thinking of my parents.. i cant! how i wish there was someone there for me when i need them.. someone that woldnt willing to lend me his or her shoulder..haih..
forget about it ba!

really unlucky..

haih.. i guess im reallly unlucky ba! just met wif an accident that almost take my life.. in that split second~.. its just seems  that everything is over.. want to know wat happen.. i'll tell u.. i wasnt feeling well yesterday so i decded to skip sch to see the doctor.. when im on the way there, we pass the traffic light near the haji manan sch ang when i turn my head~ bang! the car started to spin...then bang again.. spin again.. ang tehn the third bang.. it stop.. i cant feel anything inthat few second until my mom call out my name.. i started to feel the pain in my head.. the i heard many sound.. many ppl surrounding us.. theni saw my sis.. she pull me out wif another guy out of the car abd send me to the hospital.. honestly.. i really dont know what really happen that time.. just feel very dizzy and pain.. then get admitted liao..now.. resting at home.. haih.. really unlucky.. muy lucky to stay alive